plants and rags

so last night was the last night i slept in my own bed. in my flannel sheets that i picked out and loved so dearly. now begins the process of finding a home for everything that made it back to zirconia. i think most of it will fit into "my room" inconspicuously. i didnt really think about the moving process as it was happening. especially today cause the power and gas were shut off and it was freezing cold. but sitting at the farm enjoying movie after movie on the direct tv i was finally able to reflect some.i dont think i could chalk up the last 4 years in one word. everything is a learning process. and i certainly feel like i have learned. i def learned never let someone buy you something you cannot live without. buy it yourself. or get it in writing that you will always be the one to keep it. i think i watched enough court tv these past few months to appreciate that.
and i think i have learned about relationships in general. friends or more. you shouldnt have to settle. i know i would rather be alone than be with someone you have to walk on eggshells around. its not worth it to settle. to allow yourself to be trapped. it shouldnt always be so hard to be happy with someone. there are people out there that can make it effortless. i havent met many of those..but i have met a few. meeting one will renew your outlook on things. sometimes people come along at just the right moment. and it the midst of all the chaos since july i managed to meet someone and just be myself around them. leaving hickory i acquired a few very good friends. but this one in particular was just a breath of fresh air.
so i leave hky with a sense of sadness for things lost...Avi...the illusion of a good relationship...free movies!.....i also am filled with more drive than i have felt in awhile. this move is for me. not to make something easier for the inevitable decline....i am looking for self fullfillment...what can i do for myself. i will be responsible for how i feel. and if im fortunate to meet someone that i dont have to ignore red flags going off all over the place..great...well actually i already did...so im sure it can happen again..or maybe it doesnt need to.